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hold your head high heavy heart

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(break my heart.)

[12 Feb 2006|08:46pm]
[ mood | high ]

i really wish i could stop being stupid and update at least a few times a week. i know no one really cares, but just to do it for me. i'm constantly writing everyday, but poems are different. my poems help with the depression, but writing about me, and my life seems so pointless...to mee at least. from other peoples point of view my life is crazy, fun and exciting.
i just can't see that anymore
it's so repeitive
sex
pills
sex
friends
cigarettes
sex
music
drivng
sex
school
night school
nothing
nothing
nothing

it's so much easier to write random things than to get into details
it's all in my mind

(break my heart.)

[26 Jan 2006|09:43am]
[ mood | high ]

what a great time to update.
i'm sitting in the library doing absolutely nothing for the next hour.
finals week.
the good news is i'm not failing any class with an F, so yay for me.
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
my god, yesterday was the most sexual day ever.
i hooked up with 2 guys and a girl
different times, but oh my god.........
i haven't been with a girl in awhile too, and she was soooo cute

i'll just be writing random things
out of pure boredom

i have a crush
still hate crushes
hate butterflies, and warm fuzzy feelings.

my teacher is standing right behind me, asking what i'm writing.
i told her an essay for a Bank Of America scholarship
hippie

i got accepted into Cal State San Bernardino awhile ago
they'll probably take away my acceptance when they see my 1st semester grades
but i have vicodin
...so it's all good

now i have 45 minutes left, then i get to go to 6th period
and deal with all the sexual TEMPTATIONS!
kill me.

i think i'm done now
i should go do something important

(1 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[25 Nov 2005|01:10am]
[ mood | sick ]

sometimes i think i should just pick a bitch and have an actual relationship.
like the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing.
i don't know why. sometimes i want that feeling again.
but when anything that could turn into something shows up, i just remember what i had
then lost
and will never completely get over
scars. shitty.




[david schwimmer and chris rock have the best teeth and cutest smiles ever.]

(2 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[22 Nov 2005|11:55pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

the second toe on my left foot is completely numb and it's really wierd.

i think i'm bipolar, and it's scary. it actually runs in my family which makes it scarier.

all of my self-destructive, self-loathing ways are catching up to me fast.

everyone always says i can talk to them, but 99% of the time i won't say a word.

i talked to matt good on the phone yesterday, it was pretty rad.

i have a crush on someone at my school and i hate it.

i'm sick, and i think my throat closing.

i got extremely claustrophobic in Costco and started crying.

today i've eaten a bowl of mini-carrots, they were good.

i'm so happy i get to see katie i don't know what to do.

my cousin is better than you and your dog

i honestly can't remember specific things i've done over the past two weeks

updating the few things i do remember is a lot easier

...love to all my homies.

(2 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[15 Nov 2005|12:01am]
HAPPY BURFDAY COUSIN!!!

feel special because you are.
i don't know what i would do without you.
i love you a little more every day that goes by.
...that pretty much sums it up.

♥♥♥happy birthday...have fun today!♥♥♥

(1 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[04 Nov 2005|11:19am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

sitting in 4th period getting ready to go to my lunch detention. i have a detention after school to which is gay.
i told someone to shut the fuck up and it turned out to be a teacher, so i'm finishing my 4 hours today.
whatever, i'm over it.

i was suppossed to get some vicodin for the past week, but my source is unreliable.[tibble...haha♥katie]
i seriously want to knee him in the back, but he's really tall.
i'm going to make him, somehow, get me some for the weekend. i'm dying without it.
i need to clean my car, and my room, cause their both really nasty, and it's embarrasing.

i can't spell
i don't feel like using the spell check

sooooooo bored it's disgusting.

click.Collapse )

(break my heart.)

[02 Nov 2005|03:57pm]
This Is My Life, Rated
Life:
2.6
Mind:
1.6
Body:
3.2
Spirit:
1.5
Friends/Family:
3.5
Love:
2.1
Finance:
3.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

(2 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[01 Nov 2005|07:53pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

i just had a random rock-out moment with my sister. she=awesome.

last night was ok. i went out with like 5 friends...2 of them wanted to go trick-or-treating?! whatever...that part was boring. after an hour or so we left just to drive around for awhile. i made cassandra follow me because she's a crazy ass driver and i like to fuck with her. she kept climbing up my ass so i would slow down to 20mph untill another car came up behind us...then i took off so she just looks retarded.

i'm such a bad person.

we finally stopped at a park. it was 10ish and pitch black...seriosly. Norco has no street lights in track streets. it was pretty creepy. we got caught in the sprinklers.

an hour and a half later we went to mcdonalds to play in the play-place thing. it was scary as shit.

it took a couple people home and then had my own fun.
yessssss!
best. sex. of. my life. times. 3.
omg
i have bite marks/bruises all over
it was so worth it
jeeeeeesus!
to much information, but i think you'll get over it

at least i didn't get into me almost blowing some guy in my 6th period on friday.

oops.

(break my heart.)

[30 Oct 2005|09:52pm]
I will be crushed by a giant duck!



How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test



...ducks love me.

(break my heart.)

[26 Oct 2005|11:51pm]
dying
everday
fucking aaaaaaaaa
i've never been so confused
i hate it
i should be sleeping
for the past month, when i do sleep, it's like i blackout, i don't remember anything when i wake up.
it's scary
school sucks
i start night school soon
blahblahblah

i don't even care so why am i writing this?

(3 hearts break. | break my heart.)

"step the fuck back, xhibit's on the track, you should have buckled up before your head hit the dash [23 Oct 2005|08:45pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

i'm listening to an old limp bizkit[limp fucking bizkit, what's wrong with me] song that reminds of when i used to drive around with my ollld friend isaiah...good times. i miss that bastard. i haven't talked to him in a couple years...i hate that.

i'm in a disturbingly good mood. i don't know why.

i ended up getting drug tested anyway on friday. i thought i wasn't going to have to because my mom threw away the form. she actually went back to the doctor to get another one...retard much? oh well, i know i'm going to test positive for one thing or another. she knows i smoked weed awhile ago...i hope nothing else shows up or i'll really be fucked.

this weekend i had saturday school. 8am-noon, but i got to go early cause the coach liked me. it was so fun, omg. the first hour or so was boring because we had to stay inside. some idiots smoked a bowl in a closed cafeteria with like 3 teachers walking around...i don't know how they didn't notice. then the same retards stole more weed from my friend jonathan. it was sad, i felt bad for him because he just got off probation or something a couple days ago and wanted to have fun this weekend. jonathan is awesome, i just started talking to him again this year. him and another guy tibble. it's wierd. i'm like reconnecting with all these people from middle school. the last time i remember hanging out with tibble, he had short brown hair, and was running around the elementary school without any pants screaming "ARIBA, ARIBA." [his pants were of course thrown on something very high] now he has long black hair and 3 lips piercings.

blahblahblah

just things...and a lot of different people have been on my mind lately.
even my dad.
i've been writing the same letter for like a week now. i don't know if i'll send it or not.

i'm in a boy crazy phase.

i got new clothes today
2 shirts
2 bras
1 pair of pants
go me

and i saw pretty mike at hot topic
...i see him everywhere.

[if you read all of this you must really love me]

(break my heart.)

[17 Oct 2005|11:51am]
i am such a con artist...it's scary
i was able to get passes to both luches all last week, and i wouldn't have gotten in trouble if my mom hadn't seen me driving on the other side of town. dumb luck
i still don't know anything. never have

i'm sitting in the library right now waiting for my teacher to check my application to Cal State Fullerton, so i guess i'm still trying

my computer at home hasn't been turning on for some reason...for like a week. i should probably get that checked out.
...i told my mom i smoked pot a week ago so she wouldn't make me go take a drug test that would have shown a whole lot more.



hahahahahahahahahaha

(break my heart.)

[13 Oct 2005|08:15am]
[ mood | drunk ]

i'm seriously thinking about taking my GED and dropping out. i can't do it anymore. school, my mom, it's too much. i just need to leave. my mom told me to go ahead and drop out and go live in ridgecrest.[wouldn't that be fucking awesome!!!] she doesn't care at all...i'm totally fine with that. the only reason i'm staying right now is because of the very very small chance of getting accepted into a 4-year university, and my little sister and grandma. that's it. i have one person out here i can actually call a friend, a bunch of guys that aren't worth shit, and all my hook-ups. ???

i don't know what to do.
it's like 8 in the morning so i know i'm not making any sense
fhsjgheajthgjxa,;lskfdjghsojvna;ls

(1 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[04 Oct 2005|08:11am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

i don't even know right now.
crappy things have been happening over the last few days, so i'm going to bitch and complain a little

sunday, after the movie, i went to drop my friends off, and i got out of the car to give them a hug, and i was about to smack one of them for the sake of randomness and somehow my driver's side door got shut. the engine, lights, and everything were on and the doors mysteriously got locked. w. t. f? i had to wait an hour for triple A to get there. i was sooooooo mad that because i'm so stupid.

so that was sunday night

yesterday someone stole my cell phone out of the locker room. i didn't loose it someone stole it. either that, or they 'found' it laying on the ground, picked it up, and made 20 calls. i turned it off, and i need to go check and see if anyone turned it in. that would seriously make my day. EVERYTHING is on there. obviously all my numbers are on there, but since i'm so retarted, i don't have them written anywhere else.

...yesterday i also got kicked in the face by my little sister, and my nose started gushing blood. it's actually pretty funny if you think about it.


anyway, lots of complaining, whatever.
at least i have vicodin
which is the only thing that can make me happy under any circumstance
kind fo sad
...but i don't care cause i'm happy.

ireallyneedtocallmycousinbecauseiloveherandmissherlikewoah

(break my heart.)

yeeeeesssssssss!!! [02 Oct 2005|05:05pm]
[ mood | gfkjhulfeagyfauvbhkjxzhboiursg ]

i'm so happy.
i got a lot of vicodin today
i win at life

right now i'm over at my friend jessica's house
we're going to the movies in a while
she is like the raddest person in the world[except for katie of course...bitch please.]
and her boyfriend dylan is coming too
we love dylan
i'm sooooooo hyper i really don't know what to do

i missed this feeling so much
i'm not neccasarily "high" but i like have no worries, and i'm not in any pain
i almost feel like crying out of pure happiness.

i know it won't last but i'm going to enjoy myself while i can


[and i might have to bang jessics later because she=sexxcore]

(1 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[28 Sep 2005|01:44pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

i'm happy
it's so rad

i got vicodin earlier today.
i haven't even taken it yet and already i'm all giddy. only because i know i'll be able to get some things done tonight that i haven't been able to do because i feel so shitty.

i'll probably post later about my school/life drama, there's always room for drama

(break my heart.)

[22 Sep 2005|11:08pm]
[ mood | blah ]

does it seem wierd that a psychiatrist would recommend that i don't quit smoking because i am a, "giant anxiety bubble ready to burst?" ya. it makes me sad when people keep talking and talking but don't know what the fuck they're saying. the guy's obviously not an idiot...psychiatrist...but come on.

I'm so sick of people trying to talk me into taking anti-deppressants/anti-anxiety shit again. i'm done with it. i could take all the "happy pills" in the world, but nothing will change unless my surroundings do too.

i'm annoyed by people today.
just people in general.

like random people who ask you what time you went to sleep...then you say you didn't sleep last night cause you have insomnia...then they say you should get some sleep.[???]

(2 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[20 Sep 2005|10:12pm]
i'm so stressed out i can't even think
i need to cry or something
for some reason i can't

...that really scares me.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

(1 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[18 Sep 2005|10:58pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

two-faced
i pretend to be so strong so no one will see how weak i really am.
it makes me sick how i can't let anyone in, and the few that i do just end up feeling bad for me. Why would i want to burden someone else with my problems? sympathy? then i'm constantly worried about someone worrying about me...what sense does that make? i've got enough shit on my mind, why would i want to purposely give myself more issues.
i'll only break down to someone i care about...then i still feel bad?!?!

people who need and crave sympathy to get by are just stupid.

i hate how i am so much the 'broken child.'
i honestly don't mean to be, but who am i kidding.
the whole i hate myself

life's too hard

why can't i just be happy

i wish i was dead

nothing works

life sucks...thing


it's so pathetic, i wish it weren't true, and i wish i weren't that cliche "emo kid"
god i hate that word now

psycho-babble

(break my heart.)

[13 Sep 2005|10:26pm]
i just talked to my cousin for an hour and fourty-nine minutes.
i love her so much it hurts.

...the only hurt i want

(2 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[12 Sep 2005|09:36pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

i seriously don't know what to do anymore.
i wish i could just be happy, it shouldn't be this hard.

i stopped taking vicodin[by force]like a week or so ago, so i am constantly aching everywhere...and now i'm back to coke.

i had to stop taking sleeping pills a couple weeks before i started school cause they had me on hardcore shit that wouldn't let me wake up for awhile. so now i don't sleep. but not like usual...i just don't sleep for like 3 days and then pass out for 5 or 6 hours.

i stopped taking anti-depressants because they suckabigfatniggercock, and i hate them.

i've lost 35 pounds in less than 3 weeks cause i don't have the will to eat unless i feel like i'm going to pass out.

i don't use condoms anymore because i just don't care[and i should no better...hypocrite]

i do dirty things for drug money.

...i obviously have issues, and i just lost my therapist.

so what now?
should i find the love of jesus christ and seek salvation through prayer?
wtf is that anyway?
...i guess i'm not a believer in fiction. and i'm an ass.

i loathe myself. what a waste of life.
sorry to waste your time with my drama

(4 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[27 Aug 2005|11:04am]
I am the guy who came out to the entire school in his senior speech and got a standing ovation for his courage.

I am the girl who kisses her girlfriend on the sidewalk and laughs at those who glare.

We are the couple who planned and studied and got a damn good lawyer and BEAT the state that wanted to take our child away.

We are the ones who took martial arts classes and carry pepper spray and are just too dangerous to gay bash.

I am the transgender person who uses the bathroom that suits me, and demands that any complaining staff explain their complaint to my face in front of the entire restaurant -- and shares with my other trans friends which restaurants /don't/ raise a stink.

I am the mother who told her lesbian daughter to invite her girlfriend over for dinner.

I am the father who punished his son for calling you a fag.

I am the preacher who told my congregation that love, not hate, is the definition of a true follower of God.

I am the girl who did not learn the meaning of "homosexual" until high school but never thought to question why two men might be kissing.

I am the woman who argues (quite loudly and vehemently) with the bigots who insist that you do not have the right to marry or raise children.

We are the high school class who agrees, unanimously, along with our teacher, that love should be all that matters.

If you agree, post ANYTHING in your journal. Or on your website, gallery, t-shirt, button, a sign in your front yard, ANYWHERE. Do it. You don't have to be afraid. You can handle it. You're stronger than you think.

I am making a difference. Hate will NOT win.

(2 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[22 Aug 2005|11:09pm]
[ mood | sad ]

found this on a friends myspace

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


...i don't know why

(3 hearts break. | break my heart.)

[18 Aug 2005|10:19pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

so i put my last 2 journal entries on this new account.
i'm soooooo happy i am finally smart enough to figure out how to make a new account look like my old one. i know, it's pathetic, but so am i.

i. got. vicodin. at. like. 4pm.





yessssssssss!
i'm scarred no one will add me back
_+'i'm a mess...of insecurities.'

(break my heart.)

[18 Aug 2005|10:18pm]
life without vicodin just sucks.
i have to wait another hour and a half before i can pick up a prescription.
::dying::
today i pyscho group therapy day, which i am so looking forward to because i have to go to both groups and one is with my mother.
she has been making me miserable the past week

i've had a bag packed and been saving up money for the past month.
if things don't change just a little bit i have to leave for awhile. i can't do it anymore. i already don't like myself or my life...i don't need her giving me more reasons to want to die.

(break my heart.)

[18 Aug 2005|10:17pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

i randomly feel like updating, so here it goes

kind of intresting, and a picture of boys i loveCollapse )

+_sexual frustration_+

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